This court, like the systems our world is currently running on does not work as expected. It is more of a ‘playground where we sat so as to compromise on our differences with one clear winner’ who happens to be the teacher’s pet. I could have googled how a court session goes but why bother now when the world is clearly ending?
Court’s in session!
“Please rise, Judge John Kitabu presiding”
A case against “Someone whose name I can’t remember who will henceforth be referred to as James and Racheal”
Judge: Racheal, I thought I told you not to appear in front of me ever again.
Me: I am not good at following instructions.
Judge: What did you say?
Lawyer: Nothing your honour, she speaks to herself sometimes.
(My lawyer will henceforth be refered to as Lawyer.)
Judge: Is she right in the head?
Me: *Under my breath* I myself am not even sure.
Judge: Lawyer Robin, can you handle on your client?
Lawyer: I am sorry your honour, she will from now on only speak when spoken to.
Lawyer to me: Can we not waste everyone’s time? Thank you.
Judge: It says here that you stabbed Mr James with a pencil in the …let me see…eye!
Lawyer: She was provoked your honour.
James’ Lawyer: Your honour my client did not do anything to provoke her. Quite in the contrary, he was being his charming self and handling himself in the best way possible.
Me: *sneers* *whispers to lawyer* I only see lies here
Judge: What is your client saying?
Lawyer: Oh nothing much, just that she disagrees with the statement. I actually call her to take the stand.
Swearer: Do you swear to say nothing but the truth?
Me: Yes, so help me God.
Lawyer: Please explain to us what happened.
Me: *In the most passive aggressive way possible* Thank you for availing me this opportunity *rolls eyes* That guy over there invaded my personal space in a matatu.
Lawyer: What do you mean?
Me: It was a 33 seat matatu and there were only three people aboard the matatu but he still came and sat on the seat next to mine. How barbaric!!
James’ Lawyer: Did he, or did he not ask if he could sit beside you to which you responded with a yes?
Me: Yes he did because I have a face that does not scream rude so I wanted my face and my actions to match. I figured that he can sit there but that does not mean I have to speak to him.
Lawyer: Then what happened.
Me: He called me pretty. That’s a no brainer since I have the face of a goddess can’t you see it.
Lawyer: are you sure you have the face of a goddess
Me: Yes, there are average looking goddesses out there and I look just like them.
Lawyer: Can we cut to the chase, why did you see it fit to stab him in the eye with a pencil.
Me: Because he asked me questions no one should be asking anyone.
James’ Lawyer: But you saw it fit to answer them?
Me: Again, my face and rudeness do not go together and I did not welcome the commentary that came with it.
Ok, you see these are the two questions he asked. I gave him permission to because I thought if I got uncomfortable I can just ignore him. Seems like a plan aye!
- Are you married?
To which I answered that I am not and showed him the ring finger that has been sprawled atop my bag for everyone even the person in seat 32 to see.
- Do you have children
I said no. Then he started with the commentary that no one asked for. Ati oh he knew ati Oh I don’t look like a mother.
He asked me to guess how he knew, I shrugged and he took this shrug as a ‘Please tell me, I am dying to know’ So he hit me with “It’s because of the size of your boobs.” And get this, he smiled like he had just said the most profoundly smart thing since Einstein.
James: But it was an observation I made and thought would be a good tidbit for you.
Me: First of all, I had an observation too. Did I tell you that you are a dickhead. How’s that for a tidbit?
Judge: Watch your language Miss!
Lawyer: Is this when you stabbed him in the eye *coughs* Rightfully so *coughs*
Me: No, I am a patient human person. I look it, don’t I? The second last straw was pulled when he started with the fake news of how I look like a good Christian girl who doesn’t go out on Friday nights. He was right but I was not having it.
Me: I did not invite him for an analysis of my boring life. I bore myself to death every weekend and I am very happy with that arrangement.
Lawyer: So what happened next?
Me: He placed his phone on my bag and asked me to input my phone number.
Lawyer: Did you do it?
Me: Have you been listening to what I have been saying? Of course not. I hit him with one of this “Then what will you do with it?”
Me: *under my breath* I have a stupid lawyer gaddam! *Rolls eyes*
Lawyer: Ok sorry…then what?
Me: He said he’s never been asked that before that people just give him the number he asked for. He then went about to mumble about knowing me better and taking me to a restaurant and get this…placed the phone again atop my bag! Is this man dumb? James, are you stupid?
James: I am not, I swear. I just wanted to know you better because it seemed that we were having a great time.
Me: First of all you wouldn’t know what a good time is if it hit you in the face. Do you consider yourself a good judge of character?
James: Yes I do. I am a house agent for crying out loud.
Me: Cry louder because you’ve been living a lie, son!
James’ Lawyer: Did you just childzone my client?
Me: Psssshhhh! He wishes.
Lawyer: I do not see where the stabbing comes in.
Me: Oh after the second time he asks because he seemed to not understand what no meant. So the anger of him looking at my breasts, spewing hate comments about my social life and the blatant disregard of my no made me boil to that point.
James’ Lawyer: Do you have anger issues?
Me: With stupid people, I do!
James’ Lawyer: After hearing all this I don’t think my client was in the wrong. Even if he was wrong, it did not warrant the stabbing.
Me: Can we not do this. *Looks at Judge* Can you believe this! I want this man removed from this court.
Judge: I am the only one capable of removing anyone from this court.
Me: Then do your job mister! Ala! We don’t have the whole day here. Or do you think I was wrong too?
Judge: To be honest I think you got your revenge because it seems his face is his money maker. No one’s gonna book a house from an agent with one eye.
Me: Oh Lord Jesus, I did not cut off his tongue! And his face is not the money maker, the houses are! Unbelievable!
It seems I am not going to get the justice I need to I am just going to make placards and match along the streets for a while until someone listens.
Judge: You are being unreasonable!
Me: Excuse me, can you recuse yourself please. I need a female judge. I don’t think you know the magnitude of all this.
Judge: I can’t recuse m-
Me: Shush! I am leaving! *To James’ Lawyer* If I ever see your client again I will stab him in the other eye and cut off his tongue.
James’ Lawyer: Is that a threat?
Me: Lord Jesus! Do you own a dictionary? Yes, it is a threat. What else can it be?
James’ Lawyer: You can’t threaten my client in court!
Me: Your client was not supposed to make a comment about me and my breasts on that sunny morning but guess what? HE DID! Shocker!!
Judge: You can’t leave.
Me: Watch me.
Judge: You have to pay James’ hospital bill.
Me: Do I? Really? Do I?
Me: Are you sure?
Judge: I was a few minutes ago.
Me: I am not going to do that. He can go and pay with his patriarchy and ‘charm’. Leave me out of this.
(Leaves the court)
Why do some women find such people charming? He was taken aback by me refusing to give him my phone number. I always beat around the bush and tell the person the next time we meet, I will give it to them. This has worked well since I never meet random people twice. Do you think I overreacted?
Note: I stabbed him with a pen in my thoughts because I am a gentle soul. In person I remained shocked by his blatant stupidity but oh well.