How to have a Perfect Valentine’s Day

How to have a perfect Valentine's Day
How to have a perfect Valentine's Day
How to have a perfect Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day to me has always been like any other day of the week. If it falls on Tuesday, it is just another Tuesday except for when maybe it rains or I miss my lunch. Valentine’s Day was perfect when we were in high school because those with significant others and those without got nothing. No gifts, no poems, no dates…natsing. Unless your boyfriend sent the letter to arrive precisely on the 14th even if it meant sending the cook to throw it through the fence. Then I went to University and for crying out loud could people not find another time to give each other red roses and chocolates. Roses were brought to class every valentine’s and people with caring significant others would get a rose and or some chocolates. Some people got three, one from the person who thinks they are the boyfriend, another from the real boyfriend himself and another one for the substitute boyfriend she has. It was tricky and hilarious. From this you can correctly deduced that I have not had a conventional valentine’s day but through our turmoil, we learn.

  1. Make sure you have a significant other

You have today, until the 13th at 11:59 pm EAT to find this person. The trick is to find an available person not a person who will show up for your date on the 15th because they were busy having proper dates with their real significant others. If all else fails you can call in sick to work with a perpetual broken heart. There is no way your boss won’t send over roses unless they are heartless in which case you should just go to work and work with the soundtrack of your shattering heart in the background. I am not looking because I am still crossing fingers that this cat I have been hosting for the past almost 2 months will be giving birth then so I won’t have to think of anything else. Midwife Tibim!

  1. Conceptualize your perfect date

I know here is where the gender roles come to hit people in the nuts but who says they can’t be reversed. You can take him out for the date….ok let’s not kid ourselves. Your boyfriend will want to take you out for a date that he can boast about to his friend for the next 365 ¼ days. Know where you want to be taken and keep hinting. If it is mama Oti’s fish and chips say so. If it is Villa Rosa Kempinski, keep your mouth shut and let him take you anywhere he feels like. You do not have money to take yourself to Java and you want to be taken to Villa Rosa? For shame! Humility is the way to go. Let him breath or you will be single even before you finish your leek and potato soup.

Live within Your Means
Live within Your Means
  1. Pick another colour

Everyone and their mother think that wearing red on Valentine’s Day is cute. It is not. Red is an alarming colour and that is why we don’t wear it to interviews because you will not get that job. Point here is to be different. Wear a blue dress or a yellow one. The yellow one will be perfect because this way he can’t lose you. And if you find him gyrating with another girl and his excuse is he thought she was you, you can leave him for a person who knows how to lie better. You don’t want average people in your life.

  1. Be strong temperature-wise

When he picked you, you came out of the house in clothes that won’t fit a three year old. He told you to go back in wear something longer or bring a coat and you called him insecure and a buzz kill. So now it is 2am you are feeling cold and you keep throwing glances at him to offer you his coat. He will give you his coat because it is Valentine’s Day but he will judge you. He will look at you and see how selfish you are because he told you to bring yours but you wanted his. He is now cold and you know that doctors are on strike. Now if he becomes sick he will have to go to a private hospital which he can’t afford. This will in turn speak to your financial skills or lack thereof. If you carried your sweater, he would not be at Aga Khan’s waiting area waiting to pay ksh 1800 for consultation and another ksh 5000 for labs. You will not be his wife. You will not be his girlfriend in March because you do not listen and your decision making skills are wanting. You will be alone. So if you do not change into a longer dress or carry your own sweater, smile through your pain because you are strong, independent and a person who stands by her decisions.

Be Strong
Be Strong
  1. Remind your dad he has a wife

Parents have been together for so long that things like Valentine’s and birthdays are forgotten. You have an assignment to make sure your dad at least brings a flower or passes by the supermarket and buys tissue paper, milk, bread, blueband, bathing soap, sabuni ya kipanga etc. So that it doesn’t look like he went in to see if he can get another pair of socks or something. He now looks like he cares about the house affairs. And your mother, teach her to be graceful as she is being given the presents and not make fun of your dad because she will. She is a mother and that is how they are made from the factory. They can’t help it. Teach her please

If you have any more pieces of advice you can send them to me at rmukethe@gmail.com or if you want to tell me about your most memorable valentine’s day send it in and I will post it here on this month of love.

What say you?