I have been rewatching Cold Case. You remember it. It was that show where the police were solving crimes that had gone cold. What makes me question my brain the most is when someone is asked if he remembers what happened on November 24th 1968 and they give details. Like grandma, you are too old to even remember what kind of porridge you had in the morning but remember the gossip you shared with your squad in 1968? I only remember things if there was an event or if I cried and the following is an excerpt of me in court.
Harvey Specter: Yes Rachael, Do you remember where you were on Friday the 22nd of September at 7:30pm
Me: Easy, I was at the salon getting my hair did.
Harvey: How long did that take?
Me: I was there for an hour and a half. I left at 8:45pm
Harvey: What were you having done.
Me: Just a normal full blow dry, you see my brother was getting married the following day and…
Harvey: *laughing * judge I told you she is not serious.
Judge: I can see that. I think I have my verdict.
Me: I am telling you the truth. I did not shoplift a royal blue dress for the wedding. I couldn’t have because for 1. I had a dress and 2ndly I was having my brains boiled at the time of the ordeal.
Harvey: But, see, that is what I don’t believe. No one can have their brains boiled for over an hour.
Me: I thought my hair was in this with me but it seems I was in it alone. It took time to detangle; it was like the natural hair gods were furious with my decision.
Harvey: I am having a hard time believing you.
Judge: Me too
Me: I think I need a new judge. This one seems to be compromised.
Judge: I will not recuse myself.
Me: Is this how I fail in life? Is this it? I could have shown you evidence but I go at the salon in the corner. It is not a place with good lighting and or aesthetics so taking photos would have been social suicide and my social life is barely hanging on. My face was also doing weird things because of the pulling and evaporating of grey matter.
Harvey: I think we need a character witness for this joke.
Me: Who are you calling a joke? I can make you disappear!!
Harvey: Is that a threat?
Me: I was just trying to put you off your game. I just said that because 2 months ago Mama Miko said that in court and the judge just let her go.
Harvey: Who was the presiding judge?
Me: Judge Judas.
Harvey: *laughing hysterically* I now understand, he is a coward.
Me: So it hasn’t worked?
Harvey: You have to try harder young lady.
My lawyer: Judge, we have a character witness for the accused.
Judge: Who is it?
My lawyer: Her boyfriend.
Judge: Ok, can he come to the stand.
*few minutes later*
Court Clerk: Do you swear to say the truth and nothing but the truth?
Boyfriend: Yes I do.
My lawyer: Where was Rachael on September 22nd at 7:30pm?
Boyfriend: She texted me that she was at the salon getting her hair done.
My lawyer: *to the judge* Here is the text exhibit. *to boyfriend* did you see her go to the salon?
Boyfriend: She texted me at around 8 pm telling me that if she doesn’t remember me after this ordeal I shouldn’t take it personally because her brains are evaporating by the second. Here is the text message. So I arrived there at around 8:15 to find her almost done and tears running down her face because of all the hair pulling.
My lawyer: So does that mean she could have had ample time to rob the store and go to the salon?
Boyfriend: I think you did not hear me clearly, I said she was almost done at 8:15pm.
My lawyer: I heard you but what does that have to do with anything?
Boyfriend: Look at the size of that head, look at it. Does it look like she could have been there for less than an hour and be almost done by the time I got there?
My lawyer: Honestly……..no.
Harvey: I think this has gone on for far too long. There is no one there. There is no boyfriend.
My lawyer: The empty space made a compelling argument though
Harvey: How did you ever get admitted to the bar? You were speaking to yourself all this time and your client was smiling all this time.
Me: She was entertaining wasn’t she?
Harvey: *furiously* yes she was but that is besides the point.
Judge: I think the jury has heard all sides and can now make a deliberation on the case.
Me to my lawyer: They are back so fast. What does that mean.
My lawyer: I am sorry but you are going to jail. I am not even a lawyer. You found me outside and thought I was a lawyer but I am not. I am just a fashion blogger and I was shooting for office/ corporate looks. I don’t know what I was doing.
Jury: In the case between Uncle Bays Boutique Vs Rachael Nodaut, we the jury find the defendant NOT guilty. Her lawyer’s theatrics were excellent and her face, her face is so innocent she wouldn’t survive prison. She also has a big head and a lot of hair that I think she lied when she said she stayed there for 1 and a half hours. We think she was there for at least 2 meaning there is no way she stole the dress.
Judge: Case dismissed
Harvey: *under his breath* This is bullshit. I have just been beaten by a lawyer who spoke to herself for 20 minutes. I should have just become a lifestyle youtuber or something.
Me to Harvey: Sorry, did you say something?
Harvey: Go die!!
Me: You need some tequila with that saltiness mister?