I am a trash person who doesn’t know a thing about herself. In almost every conversation I end up saying something along the lines of ‘I don’t know, I haven’t lived enough’ or ‘ I feel like this conversation has been going on forever’ or I just say nothing because I wasn’t listening. This is why I started journaling. Some of it is written down and some of it is just me being keen about my actions and what consequences they bring forth. Believe me when I say that those who kept diaries when younger knew something we don’t. At the time I wondered why these people were so concerned with wypipo culture when they could live an african life full of tears and wimbi porridge. Here are some key things I have learnt that have made me take those steps towards self love.
- I don’t thrive well in ‘do this, do that’ situations
I am not sure where this stems from. I am yet to dig that far into the past but right of the bat I think boarding school. You know there you are not allowed to have an independent thought in your head. Everything was planned out and there was no veering from the schedule. So now when I have a helicopter boss, friend, colleague, I just cut them off. This is not because I am dramatic, it’s just that they are literally making me run out of breath and I just can’t. Queue Linkin Park’s Numb, the verse that goes ‘Can’t you see your smothering me…’ These people don’t know they are smothers because it usually works with most people. Do this do that and when some people don’t have that person, they can’t survive. They need to be told what to do!
- I have the greatest time creating stuff
I have never been the type to have people do stuff for me. This is because at some point in my young life, I lost all confidence and would rather stab myself and have a thorn tree germinate from said stab wound than approach a person. You know how you get people to do stuff for you? You approach them and ask. But do you know what is kinda cool? Seeing something you have created come to life. If it is DIYing a cat bed, you get so happy when you create it and even happier when that fluffy, big-eyed, loving agent of satan that you love so much comes and sleeps on it. It makes your heart grow wings and fly to a better place where hearts live their best lives.
- Confidence does not come naturally to most of us
When we were younger, everyone was confident, at least the people I played with. Then the pre-teens and teenage years came dragging by and your confidence left so as to give acne and drama some budding space. How do you get more confident? What I am doing for myself is trying to wear my best clothes. Yes, I am trying to differently style the same pair of jeans and t-shirt. Yes, Toi market seems like a plan and will be going there soon to do a wardrobe overhaul.
The other thing is trying to approach someone new and say hi. That would seem easy but I look down and pretend not to see people I KNOW! So now that I changed jobs, I try to say Hi to my colleagues at the breakfast table. I am yet to reach the ‘join in a conversation’ part but I am getting there.
Last thing I have been trying is walking with my head high. I tend to look down a lot just to avoid seeing the majority of the human population but now I look straight ahead and walk with pride. At least 2 out of 7 days. I’ll get there, I promise.
We take a lot of time trying to please other people or make other people’s lives easier that we forget what much of a toll this has on our lives. If you feel like life is coming at you fast, I recommend journaling. Try to see what moments of your day leave a bad taste in your mouth and what new things you can do to make yourself happy. I started with that I am a trash person and I say this all so lovingly. This is because when trying to come up with ‘Confidence tasks’ or trying to understand myself better, I went to the Internet to search for answers. If you see nothing wrong with that statement, then you have problems. These tasks are for you. You are the one with this issues. Why would you seek answers from someone else who has had very different experiences from you. That is like asking a kindergarten child about how to code using C# and taking that answer to heart. This is why you find answers like ‘Just breathe, it gets better’ or ‘Picture the audience naked’. How do you think I am still alive. I breathe every single time, even in my sleep. The picture the audience bit is nothing anyone should be told in their lives. Ever.
Try do you by being truthful with yourself, leave the bantu dragons and slay queens to their devices and do you. Unless you are a slay queen, the keep on slay queening.
Have you ever journaled? Share your experiences on the comments section or at firstname.lastname@example.org