There was a survey done some time back and Kenyans came out top in East Africa in the happiness index. We are lovely peculiar persons and everybody acknowledges that. The fact that we were not top of the list is beyond me. What are we lacking? Nothing, that’s what; we are perfect, we love people, we love each other. We have no problems whatsoever and the following seven areas we excel excellently at.
We are very secure
I can categorically say that we as Kenyans have become very vigilant people. We know how pickpockets look like. Which conductor is most likely to run away with your change. We do not know how to act during a security drill because who needs security drills. We are safe! This kind of vigilance has been brought about by the heightened security that we have been boasting about time and again on the news. We excel at security matters.
Getting a job is easy
You will go through 8:4:4 and when you are done you will get a good paying job. Companies are very considerate and they do not want to ‘use’ you. They will pay you with things like tea, compliments and smiles. You will go back home and try paying your landlord with this and they will accept and you will live a happy and long life in that house. When you ask for a raise or a job, there will be no vacancy in your organization but there is space for three more interns to come and do the same job you do. You will only tarmac for roughly two and a half years before you finally find that sweet job. That’s not a long time to tarmac because tarmacking is fun.
The best government ever
Who has the best government in the whole of the world? We do. Why? Because the officials know how to take care of their own interests before those of anyone else. This is not bad because we have been taught to love ourselves before we love others. You can’t love another person if you do not know how to love yourself. They ride posh cars, live in houses that look like hotels, have entertainment allowance of an obscene amount. Are we complaining? Noooooooooooooooo! We would even like to add them more money. Look at all the development happening. Wait! You can’t see it? Go and have your eyes examined and pay with the tea your employer gives you.
Lions roaming our streets
We are actually validating the “Africans live with lions” kind of thinking. Lions have been taking walks all over like they are the kings of the city. We were absolutely not wrong to build a bypass within the boundaries of the National Park. We did not disturb any animals. I think the lions are just being insensitive to our genius ideas. They should try and sit down and come up with another way we would have built that road. We with our human brains could not find any other way hence the National Park.
We are daring people
I think us being daring may have stemmed from other insecurities that we have like job security and general poverty. We actually have nothing to lose. A man a few weeks ago stole a police motorcycle, if that is not daring/desperateness, I don’t know what is. We are at that point we have given up or our lives have become super boring.
We have a superhighway
I think after having this road, no other roads matter. I think because people do not have time to go out and be playful, being thrown around in public transport is the highlight of the day. Without being thrown around how will you know if you are moving? How will you lose a little weight? How will you reach home happier than ever? It can’t happen. This part of everyday commute is necessary. We need this. It is important.
Everything is cheap
I tried cooking with no tomatoes one day and I needed to see a therapist the following day. Tomatoes are cheap. They are ksh 10 each for something the same size as a plum. Can I substitute tomatoes with plums? (Asking for a friend). Every vegetable is expensive. Man cannot live on Indomie noodles alone. We need tomatoes, cooking oil, rice, onions anything healthy basically is unaffordable.
How to survive this harshness
- If you need sugar just remember that sugar is bad for you.
- If you think you need to eat tomatoes or any other vegetable. Take your welcome mat and do a yoga pose. It will relieve stress
- If you feel hungry take water. It is your body confusing thirst for hunger.
- If you crave for rice take a pregnany test. You might just be pregnant. Even men, there has been stranger things.
- If you want to buy anything you necessarily can’t afford, just remember there are many people who are allergic to this stuff and survive.
- You can just boil dania and drink that water and say that you are on a cleanse. No more questions will be asked. You will survive this.
I think whoever did the survey should have put these areas into considerations and we would have topped the happiness index. We are much happier than Somalia. How is Somalia on the global average index while we are below average? Because they did not put these seven items in the survey questionnaire!