I turned out okay…for the most part. When you look at me you wouldn’t think I had a brain that did not work as expected. I can be quite slow sometimes and sometimes I come up with the most genius of ideas. But having such a brain and loving adventure is a brutal partnership. My best moments are never witnessed by anyone but when my brain gets a short circuit, then my dad is almost always there to see my stupidity flourish. Here are some of those moments.
Insulting an adult when I was five.
When I was younger, I was a very dramatic little human. I think I was the North West of that time it’s just that my family never bothered to document anything. So on this bright sunny morning in the late 90s I woke up and my divaness hit 100 real quick. I went to the window and insulted one of our house helps. At this point, we had two house helps because my little brother was a few months old. I was five, I did not understand why there is a child that came to our house and is getting all the best stuff. He had his own sleep time, bed, house help etc. So I opened my mouth and went “Wewe auntie mpya wewe, mjinga wewe ….” And I remember feeling two lashes of a whip on my bottoms. Needless to say, my dad was not having any of this.
Struggling to take out my canines
In lower primary, I went to a school where every month we had a teacher come round to pull out our loose teeth. She had taken care of my upper middle incissors and my dad had taken care of my bottom two incissors. Guess what, I hated all those times, some more than others. I decided to take matters in my hands for the next tooth that got loose. I took a string, and carefully tied it round my tooth and tied the other end to a metal door. I was pulling away from the door and every time I felt a pinch, I stopped. My dad found me in this position a minimum of four times and offered to help EVERY TIME but me and my big head literally and figuratively refused. If you have seen me since then you know that I have two ‘homes’ (teeth that grow on top of others) because I took too long to pull them out.
Riding a bicycle into a maize field
That sounds off, doesn’t it? To make it weirder, I was on a black mamba (the common black bikes). My cousins came to visit and they came with their uncle’s bike. I asked to have a ride and they agreed. I was to start at a somewhat steep point. It had been a minute since I had ridden a bike so I took this chance and ran with it. I was free, I was happy, I was glad they came visiting. I was going at neck-breaking speeds (remember that phrase?) then I got to a bumpy part of the road and tried to brake and nothing happened, I tried again and zilch! My cousins are at this time running behind me yelling, “Haina brakes” and my heart almost stopped. At this point I was almost home. I took a drastic right turn into the road that led home and another right turn into our gate. I thought that by the time I reach the other side of the compound the speed would have reduced and I would have been able to alight unscathed. But what is that I see? My father’s car, right smack in the middle of the path I was taking. I made a hard left because a maize field seemed softer than the rear end of a car. And that is how I braked, with my face plucking maize plants along the way. Oh did my dad laugh, he did not even bother come to collect me. He was weak from laughing.
Being led by a goat into a bush
When we go to upcountry, we leave all our Nairobiness in Nairobi so that when we get there we are able to handle the scorching sun, the kicking donkeys, the naughty chicken and the psycho goats. We were given a task of going and untying the goats and bringing them back home. I chose one that I though looked nice. It was white and seemed to wear a smile and it looked tiny which made me think that this would be an easy chore. So I went, untied it and our short serene journey began. It wasn’t until it was spooked by I don’t know what that shit hit the fan. It got mad and started running the other way. The rule of the goat untying game is ‘Always be in front of the goat you are in charge of’. At this time, the goat was in front of me running at 10km/h with a pull force I had never encountered before. Goats are strong as hell ya’ll. Us thoooose running down the field, we came across a bush and without thinking twice, the goat went for it. And because I was holding onto the goat, I also went through the bush. Didn’t know that this was humanely possible but it did happen. Then all of a sudden like nothing happened, the goat stopped and started eating grass. I left it and called out to my father to come carry his stupid goat back home. You will never find me near a goat, unless it is seasoned, has a side of kachumbari and goes well with Ugali.
These are the ones I could remember but I think my dad has a bigger collection of stupid things I have done. It is always nice to have an audience for all your glorious moments no matter how stupidly wonderful they are. If they would have documented any of this I would now be on “ Where did that meme kid go to?” kind of articles. I would have been an internet sensation, with a hoodie line, a reality TV show and a life that would not quit. Now see my life, I am wearing hoodies that do not flatter me, I have my own reality television where I speak to my cat for 5 minutes but she doesn’t care and my life is average. Issa sad turn of events.
If you have any moments you would like to share with us and spread the laugh please do on the comments section. Don’t forget to share this post with other people that could use a laugh