I have seen a lot in this lifetime of mine. A lot, I say. This is because I am merely a spectator in this life. And as a spectator, I need to see lots all the time but I hate the nightlife. I just don’t understand it. Why would I leave the comfort of my warm blanket to go outside and take a huge bite of the cold and wash it down with toxins and more toxins. I think this is the reason why my body decided to not front me the courtesy of seeing at night. I see nothing, nothing at all.
Eat carrots, they said, it shall be fun, they said. Maybe it would have been fun but I wouldn’t know because carrots have sugar and my food has salt and this combination does not make me happy. I choose to put my faith in science. Science gives us a whole playground to play in. We were taught that carrots can help with night blindness. I don’t know to what extent but apparently they should help. I am waiting for science to come up with irrefutable evidence that carrots have nothing to do with this and that we need to eat rocks. Rocks from Nzambani rock in Kitui County to be specific. These rocks should be excavated precisely 3 metres away from the South South West side of the stone and should measure 3.8cm in diameter and you should take 3 of them. You should boil these stones for 1 hour 15 minutes and wait for the water to drop to precisely 38 degrees Celsius before you partake of it. This is what I am waiting for and knowing science, I am not very far off.
When the sun sets my eyes become pretty much useless. You know how in police dramas witnesses are asked to describe the assailant and give very detailed descriptions. During the day my vision is 8/10 not 20/20 so there isn’t much hope in describing anyone anytime of day but at night I can’t even tell if they were wearing any clothes or not. This is why I prefer to be inside.
I might go out on a date and find that the whole time I have been speaking to a 72 year old toothless man. You know those people who take people to these romantic restaurants where you can barely see your food because it is barely lit in there? These people are the worst. I have seen these people in the movies and I do not like them at all. By now I know you have deduced that my dating life is hypothetical and all scenarios given above are from my dates with TV show characters in the comfort of my duvet covered bed.
I do not see anything at night but my hearing is better than a long eared bat’s. I hear things I shouldn’t and laugh at things you can’t make up. This serves me well in this career of mine I call gossip mining. Problem is at night, everyone wants to speak and some stories are better than others and sometimes you were so invested in this one story that when another transmits at your frequency you want to listen to both or the 15 of them. I lose out hence why I like the scripted shows where no one is talking over anyone and I only have one story to follow.
My night blindness really helps me a lot in keeping me safe. You know how many people get punched for rumour mongering or walking through people? I don’t know but I wish to never find out. You will always find me here in my pink duvet covered bed watching a series like let’s say Law and Order SVU or the walking dead.