Route 44: A guide on how to arrive alive.

Is it?

Of high blood pressure and heart attack inducing commutes.

Is it?
Is it?

Beauty is skin deep. I can attest to that specific utterance seeing that I come from a place where your matatu of choice is one that plies route 44. Our matatus are very beautiful from the outside. I know eastlands has without a doubt better matatus but we ain’t doing so bad ourselves. The art on the outside make us look like we have our lives togethe. All the investment has been done on the outside, trust me.

On the inside they look like a very badly arranged meeting room. The seats are worn out and are mobile. No, I’m not kidding.

There was this time the driver hit the brakes I was seated at the back seat and during that brake hitting there was a time our seat shifted we could nearly touch the driver a few seconds later we were outside the car. Needless to say , we carried our seat into the car and the journey continued.

If you are as short as I am that is 5’2″ or shorter please do not sit on the back of the buses or some of the Nissans. You’ll look like a toddler on a swing. Your feet won’t touch the floor and when the brakes are hit your feet will just swing aimlessly you can kick people in the process.

Carry an umbrella: You are laughing? This seems like a bad comedy but an umbrella will save you a badly done shower. Let me put it this way, you are dryer outside the car than inside when it’s raining. At least the rain water outside is clean. The water inside looks like black coffee and you are seated there in your best suit. I leave the rest to your imagination.

Also, when it’s raining sit on the seats near the aisles. Thank me later. If you think that your bum is too hot, just sit on the window seats and the moisture oozing from your chair will give you the much needed coolness.

Choose your seats carefully. Most windows do not close and seeing it’s always formula one on the highway the wind can blow off your weave and makeup and if you are light enough you can be thrown out the window.

Beware of the conductors. These people are notorious for running away with/”forgetting” your change. Nowadays they ask for fare you stretch both hands, for giving and receiving. Take no chances with these people

You did not go to church on Sunday don’t worry they always have an in-house pastor that will prophesy messages of doom for your life and later tell you that you are going to get that job you are going to interview for. If also you do not give offering they look at you like you killed baby Moses. I’ve never given them anything because I’m not sure of they are genuine. One told us that he was chased from kisii because they thought he practiced witchcraft. There are only two communities in the country that can distinguish between witchcraft and child’s play and they are the kisii and kambas. I have never trusted that pastor ever again. He does not like me either but hey life goes on.

Kikuyu is the national language: Inooro fm, coro fm play in some matatus depending on the driver’s moods some play reggae music so if you have earphones take this moment to look like the daftest person by listening to music on earphones while music is playing on the speakers. Take this chance to show your uniqueness and your eardrums will thank you for eternity.

Safe journey all.

What say you?